Conspiracy theories have become all too common, and if you want to become a public intellectual in Nepal, you can’t remain as critical, realistic, contextual, local, and factual. Who wants to know facts, evidence, data, research, root cause analysis, and objective evaluations when conspiracy theories taste so sourly sweet? Just as a butterfly flutters in San Francisco, Singapore, Shanghai, Surat, or Sydney, you need to connect the dots and see what’s happening in Sankhamul, Kathmandu. You can’t miss those transnational signals. Again, trust me, no one will take you as a serious public intellectual in Nepal if you are not a conspiracy theorist.

Before going through my guidelines, my first suggestion to aspiring public intellectuals is to smell the perfume of foreign hands in each and every socio-political event that unfolds in Nepal, and if you can’t find that smell, put some international brand perfume in your hand and smell again; you will get it. You are not going to become a conspiracy theorist if you assume that election results, socio-political crises, and economic challenges unfolding in Nepal reflect, resemble, and depend on events, scenarios, causations, factors, institutions, decisions, and individuals existing within the boundaries of this beautiful and exciting nation.

My next piece of advice here would be to learn some geopolitics. Tell your audience what is conspiring in Syria, Israel, Gaza, Sudan, Iran, Venezuela, New York, Middle-East, South-West, Ukraine, etc. exactly explains what is happening or going to happen in Nepal. After these suggestions, follow my guideline to (or not to) become a conspiracy theorist; let’s see how it goes. If it fails, never mind; think of these as another foreign conspiracy.

Guidelines for aspiring conspiracy theorists

Rule 1 Never challenge your followers: People seek information that confirms what they already believe. Pro-monarchy people want validation that the political experiment with a republic has failed. Hindu Rashtra supporters are searching for the proof that secularism has weakened our collective national and cultural identity. Socialists want examples of capitalist interference. Giving your audience “ What They Already Want ”, learn to exemplify their existing frustrations and add a dramatic layer. BUT always keep your audience morally pure, and it’s always

Rule 2 Consistency Is More Important Than Accuracy: Changing your mind signals weakness. If you declared that federalism or secularism is a foreign manipulation. You must never revise this, even if data or evidence suggests otherwise. Even if they prove you wrong, you simply say, “That’s the way the conspiracy goes; it’s another conspiracy again to cover up THE CONSPIRACY.”

Rule 3 Follow the Trend, Not the Truth: When something trends, like MCC, SPP, the American, British, and Indian armies, Epstein files, the corruption scandal, Lucifer, the global trade war, or the constitutional crisis, jump on the bandwagon and immediately attach it to your narrative.

Rule 4: Fear is persuasive. Tell your audience that our national identity is under attack, foreign agents want to divide Nepal, and our cultural values are near extinction. Nepal, as we know, may not exist after 10 or 20 federal elections, interpret foreign-funded projects as subtle neo-colonization, and translate consular visits by diplomats into covert operations.

Rule 5 It’s geopolitical, deep state everywhere, and nothing is local: In Nepal, nothing simply happens. There is always a hidden architect. Take Kathmandu city, for example. Don’t blame the logistics or governance of the Kathmandu metropolitan city office for its waste management failures. Formulate an argument that Kathmandu city must remain polluted so that its citizens fall ill. If people don’t get sick, who will buy medicines? Therefore, pharmaceutical companies and hospitals must be orchestrating this chaos.

Push it a bit further: foreign powers benefit from sick Nepali citizens, as they can become lame lab rats for medical experiments. Thus, pollution is our policy, and garbage is geopolitics. More importantly, no conspiracy theory is complete without framing a notion that the government in Nepal is controlled by a deep state, even when no one knows how deep that state is.

Rule 6: Apply the Secret Agent Image—”Dhurandhar-007 Figure”: In Nepal, we pride ourselves on recognizing ‘foreign agents’ faster than international intelligence agencies. That NGO activist? An agent. That journalist (a double agent) and that politician who studied abroad—surely a triple agent. Channel the aura of James Bond if someone shakes hands with a foreign diplomat. You don’t need proof. You need suspicion. Suspicion is patriotic.

Rule 7: Question Everything, Except Yourself: Even when you have evidence, don’t trust what you see, don’t get distracted by the painting, tear down the canvas, DOUBT, doubt institutions, doubt data, and doubt official narratives. BUT NEVER DOUBT YOUR THEORY.

Rule 8: Master the Art of Connecting Unconnected Dots: The true virtuoso of conspiratorial theory can connect anything to every other thing. Add astrology and mysticism, and mention secret societies. Invoke planetary alignments. You need to connect those unrelated events across geography, politics, time zones, and culture into a single narrative to formulate a conspiracy theory.

Go on, connect the Sudan crisis with Nepal. As Sudan sits on the Red Sea, Nepal is between two Asian giants, India and China. Both are at strategically located chokepoints. Foreign superpowers are destabilizing economically weak and socially vulnerable nations like Sudan and Nepal in key geographic corridors for their international global trade control. Hence, civil war happening in Sudan can also happen in Nepal.

Rule 9: Posture yourself as an independent thinker: No matter what your friends’ circles, family members, boss, or colleagues call you, refer to yourself as an independent thinker, truth seeker, independent voice, or the only one asking genuine questions.

Always remember the golden rule: don’t become too critical and go after their flaws; play with their ego, and make them feel what they were discussing in their Chiya guff was right. Nepal was a utopia, an ideal state, before foreign conspiracy uprooted its harmony, dignity, culture, and self-reliance, and it will again become a heaven on earth. The dream of Shangri-La is not fantasy; don’t leave them hopeless. Learn how to keep your hoax alive.

It’s satire, and read it twice.

(Gaurav Ojha is a writer, researcher, and educator at different educational institutions)